In case you missed it here’s the transcript of our live blog of yesterday’s Apple event:
10:01: Tim Cook appears on stage dressed in tomato costume. Crowd loves it.
10.02: Apple stock price drops 5%. Analysts had expected the more traditional banana costume.
10:04: Tim welcomes us and says thousands of Apple employees are present at the event. Sound of whip cracks heard in special pens created for Foxconn employees.
10:05: Tim Cook always sounds like his voice broke just yesterday.
10:06: Tim talks about the Apple Watch. Invites boss of Casio onto the stage to discuss partnership on Space Invader-cum-Calculator watch complete with actual beeper. “Good for eight decimal places!” says Tim.
10:17: Some guy appears on stage to talk about Apple Watch. Sound of buzzing as Apple Watches of various audience members wake them up as they all drift off to sleep MY GOD THIS MAN IS BORING
10:32: Tim Cook invites somebody onto stage. That person invites somebody else to take the stage. That person invites another person onto the stage. Where will this end? At this rate I will be on stage within a few hours.
10:45: Amazing news: “Apple Watch for dogs and cats available by Xmas”
10:52: This man on stage has spent five minutes talking about watch straps. And millions around the world are watching him.
11:01: Time to talk about the iPad. “In just five years the iPad has transformed how we live, work, play and palm our kids off with Disney crap.”
11:06: Tim Cook announces the biPad, a tablet that swings both ways.
11:08: And also the iPad Pro!
11:08: “IPad Pro faster than AMC Pacer. Faster than 2CV. Faster even than one of those little German Smart Cars.”
11:15: Video narrated by Jonny Ive. Why do I always expect anything narrated by Jony Ive to end with “and if you want to see your children alive leave $100,000 in a locker at the train station.”
11:25: They said the iPad had a stylus and then they invited Microsoft people onto the stage. Then I woke up in a cold sweat.
11:32: As the Microsoft guys are leaving they say, “And you all know they totally stole the keyboard thing from us.”
11:43: Product demo from Adobe where they control a cute woman’s smile. 1,000,000,000 geeks around the world place preorders.
11:52: “There’s an iPad for every budget — from “that’s kinda expensive” all the way to “are they fricking serious!?”
11:56: Now onto the Apple TV!
11:56: Everybody gets that Steve Jobs quote wrong about TV. He didn’t say he’d cracked TV. He said he’d cracked his TV. A quick insurance claim and it was forgotten about, and he stopped playing tennis in the house too.
11:57: Eddie Cue appears.
11:57: Holy shit, Eddie Cue’s pregnant.
11:58: Eddie Cue’s like your favourite schoolteacher. He probably lets some of the older Apple employees call him by his first name.
12:05: Does the new Apple TV remote HAVE A FAST FOWARD BUTTON!?!?! Not sure how many more product demos I can watch.
12:15: New iPhones!
12:16: “Here are the new iPhones. Oh, sorry, those are the old ones. No wait. They’re are actually the new ones. My bad.”
12:18: 3D Touch. Press harder, not smarter.
12:20: More Jonny Ive narrated product movie. Ends with: “This is nice house you have here. Very nice. All I ask is $300 every month and it’ll stay that way.”
12:25: Continuing Apple’s fascination with things that look gold but aren’t quite gold, there’s a new rose gold colour for the phones.
12:40: “And proving everything can be bought by a corporation if they’ve enough cash, here’s my favourite band to play us out.”