Live blog of Apple event: launch of iPhone 6S and iPad Pro


In case you missed it here’s the transcript of our live blog of yesterday’s Apple event:

10:01: Tim Cook appears on stage dressed in tomato costume. Crowd loves it.

10.02: Apple stock price drops 5%. Analysts had expected the more traditional banana costume.

10:04: Tim welcomes us and says thousands of Apple employees are present at the event. Sound of whip cracks heard in special pens created for Foxconn employees.

10:05: Tim Cook always sounds like his voice broke just yesterday.

10:06: Tim talks about the Apple Watch. Invites boss of Casio onto the stage to discuss partnership on Space Invader-cum-Calculator watch complete with actual beeper. “Good for eight decimal places!” says Tim. 

10:17:  Some guy appears on stage to talk about Apple Watch. Sound of buzzing as Apple Watches of various audience members wake them up as they all drift off to sleep MY GOD THIS MAN IS BORING

10:32: Tim Cook invites somebody onto stage. That person invites somebody else to take the stage. That person invites another person onto the stage. Where will this end? At this rate I will be on stage within a few hours.

10:45: Amazing news: “Apple Watch for dogs and cats available by Xmas”

10:52: This man on stage has spent five minutes talking about watch straps. And millions around the world are watching him.

11:01: Time to talk about the iPad. “In just five years the iPad has transformed how we live, work, play and palm our kids off with Disney crap.”

11:06: Tim Cook announces the biPad, a tablet that swings both ways.

11:08: And also the iPad Pro!

11:08: “IPad Pro faster than AMC Pacer. Faster than 2CV. Faster even than one of those little German Smart Cars.”

11:15: Video narrated by Jonny Ive. Why do I always expect anything narrated by Jony Ive to end with “and if you want to see your children alive leave $100,000 in a locker at the train station.”

11:25: They said the iPad had a stylus and then they invited Microsoft people onto the stage. Then I woke up in a cold sweat.

11:32: As the Microsoft guys are leaving they say, “And you all know they totally stole the keyboard thing from us.”

11:43: Product demo from Adobe where they control a cute woman’s smile. 1,000,000,000 geeks around the world place preorders.

11:52: “There’s an iPad for every budget — from “that’s kinda expensive” all the way to “are they fricking serious!?”

11:56: Now onto the Apple TV!

11:56: Everybody gets that Steve Jobs quote wrong about TV. He didn’t say he’d cracked TV. He said he’d cracked his TV. A quick insurance claim and it was forgotten about, and he stopped playing tennis in the house too.

11:57: Eddie Cue appears.

11:57: Holy shit, Eddie Cue’s pregnant.

11:58: Eddie Cue’s like your favourite schoolteacher. He probably lets some of the older Apple employees call him by his first name.

12:05: Does the new Apple TV remote HAVE A FAST FOWARD BUTTON!?!?! Not sure how many more product demos I can watch.

12:15: New iPhones!

12:16: “Here are the new iPhones. Oh, sorry, those are the old ones. No wait. They’re are actually the new ones. My bad.”

12:18: 3D Touch. Press harder, not smarter.

12:20: More Jonny Ive narrated product movie. Ends with: “This is nice house you have here. Very nice. All I ask is $300 every month and it’ll stay that way.”

12:25: Continuing Apple’s fascination with things that look gold but aren’t quite gold, there’s a new rose gold colour for the phones.

12:40: “And proving everything can be bought by a corporation if they’ve enough cash, here’s my favourite band to play us out.”

Apple mirrors Google, introduces new look


Apple has announced a new logo, within days of Google’s introduction of a new look.

“Apple has changed a lot over the past 17 years,” said a spokesperson. “From the range of our products to the evolution of their look and feel. And today we’re changing things up once again.”


The new logo controversially adapts the Courier font, which is set in oblique and underlined, while the gradient color scheme is taken directly from the iPhone.

“Today we’re introducing a new logo and identity family,” says a press release from Cupertino. “It shows you when the Apple magic is working for you, even on the tiniest screens. As you’ll see, we’ve taken the Apple  logo and branding, which were originally built for a single desktop browser page, and totally trashed them.”

“Apple’s logo has always been distinctive,” said Tim Cook. “And now it’s more distinctive than ever.”

The Twitter response from Apple fans has ranged from “OMG” to “OMFG”.


A list of things that exceed Tim Cook’s expectations


Tim Cook has refused to discuss sales figures for the new Apple Watch other than saying  they have “exceeded expectations”. Refusing to budge on this position, journalists and analysts attempted a different approach, asking Mr Cook what else had exceeded his expectations. He answered that the following had also exceeded his expectations:

  • A trip to the barber that morning
  • Man landing on the moon in 1969
  • Eddie Cue’s weight loss
  • A visit to the bathroom prior to the conference call
  • Interest in the new Minions movie
  • The feeling of water when you’re wearing latex gloves
  • The letter W in the new San Francisco font
  • Dr Dre’s ability to adhere to Apple employee guidelines
  • The price of a gallon of gas
  • Worldwide interest in golf
  • The blueness of the sky in Arizona
  • The ability of Michael Knight and KITT to solve crime
  • WD-40
  • Ben and Jerry’s Cookie Dough ice cream



Tim Cook assaulted by taxi driver over “three month deal”


Astonishing news from New York city where Apple’s CEO Tim Cook has reportedly been assaulted by a taxi driver. In an altercation taking place outside Apple’s HQ in the city, Cook allegedly refused to pay for his journey and was pursued by the driver, an Usman Hussain.

“He said that he wanted me to work free for three months,” Hussain told the New York Times. “I said that wasn’t acceptable. He said Apple wasn’t going to negotiate on this point. And that’s when I punched him.”

Cook was already sporting a black eye from an earlier altercation in a 7-Eleven when he refused to pay for a Kinder Surprise egg, again stating that he wanted a three month trial of the egg – and that he expected 7-Eleven to pay for the egg and indeed any more eggs until the three months was up, as well as other groceries he desired.

When the store owner, a Carl Bensky, took issue with this, Cook pointed out that 7-Eleven is a rich company that can easily afford that kind of thing, and that if Bensky agreed to the deal then Cook might buy many more Kinder Eggs once the three months was up – although he said that wasn’t guaranteed.

“And that’s when I punched him,” said Bensky.

See also:




Overweight man loses weight via Apple Watch


An overweight man has lost weight by spending all his food money on an Apple Watch Edition.

Noted Apple commentator Ron Smith has lost 50lb by removing all but water from his diet and gazing at his Apple Watch whenever he feels hungry.

“I chew the leather strap if it gets really bad,” says Smith, raising his arm weakly to show Apple Noos the teeth marks. “You can usually suck a few calories out.”

Smith also monitors his failing vital signs through the device.

“My heart rate’s 40 beats per minute at the moment,” whispers Smith with a grin, as his wife watches anxiously with her phone pre-dialled to 911.

He also staggers to his exercise equipment when the Watch orders him to, in order to keep the fitness circles full, or some such nonsense.


Retail product to be sold in retail stores, world holds breath


An international retailer has left consumers salivating in anticipation by announcing it’s finally going to sell one of its retail products through its retail stores.

The retail product had previously only been available online, with consumers allowed to gaze at the product in store and try it on if they asked nicely. However, the product is now to be retailed everywhere, just like every other retail product.

“The retail products were in short supply when the product was launched,” said an unnamed employee. “Normally we’d call that a fuck up. But people keep saying it’s totally amazing. Truly, these are strange times we live in.”



Twitter to remove 140-person insult limit


Twitter has announced it’s to remove limits on the number of people who can be offended by comments made by users of the service.

Previously a maximum of 140 people could be offended at any one time by crass comments made by people who clearly aren’t happy with themselves.

Removal of the limitation has been welcomed by Twitter’s most prolific dickheads.

“Thank the Lord!” tweeted @AngelBorn1975 earlier. “Literally, for He has risen! Now I can share my opinions about gay baking on a global scale!”

@CockSukrXX continued: “As a man who’s deeply threatened by women and blacks for some reason I’m really grateful for the opportunity to force more of them off Twitter. This really shows that Twitter is listening to its user base.”

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Users in shock at iCloud access to their own files


Apple stunned the world Tuesday by announcing that users of iPhones and iPads are to have free access to their own data.

“This is truly revolutionary,” said Craig Federighi from the stage of the WWDC keynote speech. “Via our iCloud app in iOS 9, users will — for the first time in the history of computing — be able to access the files they create. We’re even allowing them to move, copy and delete them.”

Apple fans are cock-a-hoop.

“I thought paying $499 for an iPad and $1299 for a MacBook meant that I simply wasn’t to be trusted with my own files,” tweeted Kevin Brickstop. “How wrong I was! I’d like to see the Android fanbois match this!”


Apple introduces new Swift cloning features


As announced at WWDC 2015, Apple’s Swift programming language is now able to study the functionality of an existing app and automatically recreate it – with zero input from a developer.

“The News app in iOS 9 was created this way,” said Susan Prescott, speaking exclusively to Apple Noos. “We just showed it Flipboard and, wallop, that’s 20 minutes of WWDC keynote stage time right there. And can you believe we didn’t once mention FlipBoard or Google Newsstand?!”

The only drawback is the amount of time Swift takes to produce the cloned feature or app. Apple set the feature analysing Flipboard on its launch years ago in 2010, for example, but it has taken until now to produce results.

In the upcoming Das Capital Capstan Extra Strong El Capitan release of OS X the Split view feature was spat-out by the Swift processor while it was analysing Microsoft Windows 8. Safari’s pinned tabs were added when the processor was let lose on Google Chrome.

Yet surprisingly the cloning feature is adapted from an open source project whose origins lie within Google.

“Android could’t exist without it,” commented an anonymous developer at the search giant. “We just let it lose on iOS all those years ago, then sat back and watched Steve Jobs get angrier and angrier. But let’s be honest — this is pretty much how the software industry has always worked. We just automated it.”


HomeKit to make just about everything f***ing expensive


A leaked memo reveals that Apple’s HomeKit project, which aims to automate home appliances via the iPhone and iPad, is actually part of long-term goal by the company to make just about everything ridiculously f***ing expensive.

“Since the early days of Apple we’ve made computers ridiculously f***ing expensive,” reads the memo. “Our purchase of Beats last year gave us the ability to make headphones ridiculously f***ing expensive. Now, with our HomeKit partners, we embrace a new frontier of making even the most basic household electronics ridiculously f***ing expensive.”

The memo provides a table comparing standard household goods against HomeKit enabled ones. For example, lightbulbs, wall sockets and thermostats can be bought from most hardware stores with significant change from a $10 bill. However, HomeKit enabled devices are typically priced at $100 or more.

“It’s frickin’ genius,” says Andy Spurious, an Apple industry analyst. “If it uses electricity then it can be automated by HomeKit – and therefore made ridiculously f***ing expensive. Only Apple could’ve pulled this off. Even the garbage disposal unit can be automated. Apple really does own a piece of everything including the kitchen sink!”